Make Love, Not War!
by Matdeception
Summary: Make Love, not War! Naruto displays the value of these words as a baby, whether he wanted too or not. Now the world will be subjected to a different Path to Peace, one the Rikudo Sennin had hoped would forever remain lost and buried in the shards of history.


Make Love, not War!  
>Written By: Matdeception<p>

Disclaimer: I disclaim

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><p><em>Everything about the Rikodu Sennin is awesome, eh? Man rises up, beats their oppressor, then goes around teaching that the path to peace is through understanding. Shame about his boys though, Indra being a little pissy shit and Asura, the non-prodigy always looking for a helping hand while preaching about love and compassion. Scholars and historians will tell you about this tragic tale... and they're all wrong! The very history of the world is a fabricated lie built on half truths by people to screwed in the head to make sense of it all.<em>

_~ Kaizen Otsutsuki_

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><p>The chains rattled, stretched, and pulled him still. The sight of them, the feel of them, the very glow of those wretched chains told The Kyuubi enough; The Big Ole Bitch was still alive despite some of his best efforts, and more importantly, she was <em>here<em>! Somewhere. Maybe under a rock for all he knew; Being the size of a mountain doesn't really help you notice when a little redheaded pain in the ass was hiding out among the trees.

'Think you beautiful bastard, think.' The Kyuubi growled, thrashing about fruitlessly in that woman's sick joke of BDSM technique. 'Where would that girl be hiding, more importantly what would she be planning? They don't have that annoying Wood user around, so they couldn't knock me out long enough to get sealed again, so at best this is a temporary thing.' Logic undeniable, the Beast refused to believe otherwise. Why? Bitch please, he was the Nine-tailed fox! He's always right or you're gonna get stepped on.

'So it's a waiting game.' the Chakra Monster growled mentally. Well, he was immortal, so he really didn't have anything to worry about along those lines...

"SHIKI FUIN!" he heard a shout, not entirely dissimilar from a whinny one of those horses he stalked cried as he consumed them shortly after being freed by his old man before he died. Old man Hagoromo...

'Awww, I just made myself sad.' Kyuubi mentally wailed at that, idly glancing at the only thing of note. It was a ghastly sight, a white apparition with too long arms, purple desiccated skin, and a tanto clenched tightly in it's mouth. Narrowing his entirely too large eye, the Kyuubi came to a startling realization. 'I have no idea what the hell that is.'

How could he? Ningen Jutsu was about as interesting to the Bijuu as defecating lollipops were to the Ningen. Or something like that; He didn't understand the ankle biters at all. Except Mito; Uber bitch, and Kushina; Feisty bitch, but that was only because he had been stuffed inside them like ground beef in a particularly delectable burrito.

'Oh look, a ghostly hand reaching and petting my... OH RIKUDO SHIT!' Kyuubi howled as that hand, that dirty dirty violating hand reached _inside_ him and tore him in two, dragging a equally sexy bastard through the air where it vanished to who knew where. The Chakra Monster, while none too pleased by the bad touch, did find the chains holding him down slackened quite considerably at the shift in his size by having his **_innocence_** violated. He pushed thoughts on that incredibly horrid event into the back of his third tail for later consumption; Right now he had a demented molester out there and he most certainly wasn't going to let it get in another caress.

He noticed it then. A podium, a naked jellybean ningen with bright blond hair, rather adorable whisker marks, and a puddle of urine where the baby pissed himself. 'Disgusting ningen, but cute whiskers.' Kyuubi thoughtfully labeled the baby. Moving on, he saw an equally bright haired man, this one he knew, as Kushina often wailed in her mind - thus in his floating spike ball prison - about how much she loved him even if it took twelve medi-nins, a vial of viagra, and a lubed up chicken to get him in the mood for sexy times. 'Poor bastard actually married Kushina... I should put him out of his misery.' the beast decided on that small mercy and was about to move on when he noticed it.

IT. That white apparition that so thoroughly molested him. It was connected to the bright haired man, latched on by transparent chakra. That only meant one thing; His molester was none other then that man. 'Death is too good for you! Live, you wretch, and know the horror that is Uzumaki Kushina for the rest of your days!' the Chakra monster spat mentally as another ghostly hand grabbed him by his neck and dragged his sexy butt into the jellybean ningen, his last moment before darkness took him of a curiously familiar chakra enveloping him before a shout of "FUIN!" ended his brief, if not horrifying, bout with freedom.

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><p>Naked Baby Boy.<p>

'Well... it's a start, at least.' The Incredibly Ancient and Powerful being thought to itself, sitting cross legged in a circular room with great big bars forming a cage behind him, a single sheaf of paper with the kanji 'Seal' etched on. He could feel a piece of the Shinju locked in there, rolling about in the kind of abject misery one felt when getting your entirely too big form compressed and shoved into something the size of a thimble by comparison. Not that the Ancient Being cared.

'Migration finally worked.' He decided with a nasty grin. 'Damn that Old Bastard, he just had to ruin everything didn't he?'

"Naruto!" A feminine voice shouted, echoing across the chamber as a brief flash from the outside world invaded the prison. The voice was weak though, terribly weak with a tremble that spoke of a faltering life.

'The Boy's name perhaps?' The Ancient Being frowned thoughtfully, before shrugging. Irrelevant; They could name him Fairy Queen and it wouldn't change his plan for peace. Wouldn't stop him like that old pipe smoking, bong hitting, weed burning overpowered son of a bitch he called his father did.

"Well, that didn't go as planned." a deep grumble behind him sounded.

"Nothing ever does." The Ancient Being shrugged, his raven colored hair shifting slightly at the motion.

A moment of silence, a tremor of movement as the Shinju fragment moved to the Gates, and a deep shuddering gasp of recognition. "Father?!"

"Ha!" The Ancient Being chuckled, "Is that what you called my Old man?"

"Not Hagoromo..." The Kyuubi frowned, "One of his sons, your chakra... it's just like his. Which one though?" he hmmed, examining the Transmigrant curiously. He stood roughly six foot, with hip deep raven hair that flowed like a river from his head. Skin pale yet reflective, with shiny dark eyes with a criss cross patterned framed by a red outer ring. The Kyuubi hissed, lips pulling back and exposing its oh so pointy teeth, "Indra."

"Pfft!" The Ancient Being snorted, making a hand gesture that just screamed 'Jack off'. "Little Inny, oh so bright, thought battle and mayhem was the delight. Foolish little brother."

"Then..." Kyuubi sighed, "... Asura. You're Asura."

"HAH!" This time he cupped his hand in a O formation, putting it to his face and making lewd gestures that just screamed 'Dick Sucker.' "That no-talent second rate loser? Pretty sure all the weed my Old Man smoked stunted his brain. No, I'm neither of them."

"But Father only had two sons."

"Two sons after he disowned me." The Ancient Being shrugged, "You can call me Kaizen, however."

"Disowned..." The Kyuubi looked thunderstruck, as if he could never imagine the Sage of the Six Paths would ever do that to one of his children. While he didn't know if that was true, this Kaizen did have similar Chakra to his father, which just wasn't possible unless he was related. "... why would he?"

"Because of Grandma." Kaizen shrugged, "Philosophical differences about peace, ways to go about it." the Transmigrant frowned, "Personally I think dad fried his brain off all the herbs he smoked trying to reach some zen-like state where he could contemplate his peace, or ninshu, or whatever he called it while baked out of his mind."

Kyuubi was silent, but the increasing look of confusion on his face was more telling then anything else. Oh well, Kaizen wasn't surprised. As whacked out as his father was, he could inspire loyalty if nothing else. Want proof? He convinced the world he was a peace loving god and not a drug abusing dead beat dad. Seriously, the stories he could tell...

"Anyway. Let's just say I didn't agree with the whole Ninshu thing, nor did I agree with Indra's power at all costs thing, or Asura's pedantic sermons on compassion and love." Kaizen shrugged as he explained, "Frankly my way was working just fine, and with dad gone, Uncle Hamura followed his own drug induced dream of flying to the moon, and Indra and Ashura enduring a quasi-reincarnation cycle with no real memories to speak of, there isn't anyone to stop me."

"You... want peace?" The Kyuubi didn't really like the way this unknown son of the Sage was speaking. Really, really didn't like it.

"Oh yeah." Kaizen grinned, standing up and stretching. "It'll be years before I'm ready to start, or rather, before this Naked Baby Boy we're both sealed into is ready to start." he extended his hand and clenched his fist, small streams of Kyuubi's chakra leaking from the cage, across the floor, into and through Kaizen, before heading off into the dark to do who knows what. "Trust me though, Kurama-chan, you're going to love this."

Kyuubi felt he should have been outraged at having his Chakra so brazenly stolen, but really, he was kinda off balanced here. Not only did he have his **_innocence_** violated by some human apparition, but then he gets shoved inside an annoying naked baby (with fashionable whisker marks), meets a until now unknown child of the Sage of the Six paths who wanted peace, yet refused to follow the Path of Power like Indra, or the Compassionate Peace like Asura, or the Peace through Understanding his Father had preached. If none of those, just what way was he going to find the path to peace?

"Love baby." Kaizen answered the unspoken question, "Just like Grandma Kaguya wanted."

"Love?" Kyuubi snarled, spittle flying free as he felt the white hot rage burning in his chest at the mention of that name. "That wretch knew nothing of love! Slavery, that's the peace she offered!"

Kaizen looked dumbfounded, "Slavery? Who the hell told you that?"

"The greatest man to ever live, The Sage of the Six Paths, your father!" Kurama raged against his cage.

The Unknown Son blinked, before face palming, "Okay... that's rather historically inaccurate. Kaguya wanted peace, serenity, and all she did was make sure no one went to war."

"She tried to kill Father and his brother, tried to take back their chakra!" Kyuubi retorted, sounding like quite the little Rikudo Sennin Zealot he was.

"Uh, no." Kaizen denied, "That particular fight started after dad barged in on me and Kaguya making love, not war." his tone dropped, "I was so close too." he shook that thought off, continuing, "Anyway, he barged in, started shouting about Moons and Ninshu and how mushrooms kicked ass. Then he noticed me balls deep in his mother, and started wailing about how she was trying to take his son from him, his expression of chakra in this pure world." he sighed, "Anyway, argument started, escalated, father kept hitting the bong in-between bouts. Hamura stopped by looking to score some dope off of Father, Kaguya got mad at how her sons were utter failures and needed to be set straight, then BAM!" Kaizen clapped his hands harshly, "Kaguya sealed, I got disowned, Hamura was tripping balls trying to bird flap to the moon while Father started shouting about peace and Ninshu and cock smacking everyone in the face with his 'chakra'.

Kyuubi sweated, "That... is either a curious retelling, or more likely an outright lie!" he scowled, "Father was a great man! You're just scum, the unwanted failure!"

"Failure?" Kaizen blinked, "Bitch please. I curb stomped Indra on a daily basis, and Asura didn't go out and make friends because he cared about them, he just wanted to use them as shields to distract me so he wouldn't get his ass kicked every time I caught him trying to steal one of my girls from the harem." he snorted, "Little brother was such a jealous little bastard."

"Lies." Kyuubi growled, "What about the Infinite Tsukuyomi?"

"Eh." the Raven-haired man shrugged, "My idea, actually. Wasn't suppose to last more then a couple of hours, y'know? Give the world a taste of heaven by bringing everyone in on a massive orgy! Pops kinda ruined that, y'know, what with sealing Kaguya away before she could cancel it." he shrugged uncomfortably, "Everyone got out... eventually."

"This is ridiculous." Kurama snorted, turning around in his cage and laying down. "You are a failure and your plan, whatever stupidity it is, will fail like you have."

"Hey man, don't hate." Kaizen chuckled, "I'm out to make love, not war!"

And the world wouldn't know what hit them before it was too late. Muahahahahaha!

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><p>In the six months post Kyuubi Attack the Third Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen, knew nothing but hell. His loving wife? Dead. His village? Broken and crying for those lost. His successor? A corpse, his soul apparently enjoying the finer things in the hell that is the Shinigami's stomach. Kushina? Coma, chakra fucked up, lucky to be alive all things consider, but essentially another casualty of the Kyuubi's assault. At least he had been able to use Inoichi to scan her memories and find out what the hell had actually happened.<p>

"This has got to end, Sarutobi!" Homura, the bespectacled old man who once upon a time was his team-mate and drinking buddy, and half lover that one time Biwako had wanted a threesome in compromise for his own dirty little desire for Koharu's tight little ass. A fair trade, he believed, but right now he really wished he hadn't drug up that particular repressed memory.

"And what do you want me to do about it?" Hiruzen grumped, glancing at the giggling little jinchuuriki resting comfortably in his crib. Ah yes, Namikaze Naruto, the biggest headache he had been enduring since that horrible night so many people had died. "We've announced his status as a Jinchuuriki, we've told everyone his mother was still technically alive, and we even went so far as to threaten execution if they tried to riot on the Hokage Tower again. Frankly, I'm at a loss."

Danzo hmphed, "Let me weaponize him!"

"We've never forced Jinchuuriki to become weapons before, we certainly aren't starting now." Koharu snapped angrily, before turning back to the little baby and cooing in that disgustingly wretched way all the females who caught sight of the boy did. Hiruzen had at first been concerned at how the child, not even able to speak correctly and far to inclined to piss himself at the slightest provocation, could melt the hearts of any woman who so much as looked at him. First thought had been the Kyuubi trying to get out, but that turned up bumpkis - No Chakra seemed to be involved, the lad just seemed to be naturally alluring much to the aged Hokage's dismay.

"I don't care about the Kyuubi." Shimura snapped, "I'm talking about his natural ability to make women fall over themselves."

"I'm not letting you use Naruto to pick up women." Hirzuen put his foot down on that idea. Not that he cared, but because it was preposterous. Let it forever be known Sarutobi was a horrible, horrible wing-man.

"You don't know what it's like being a virgin at my age!" Danzo roared, "Just a night, just give him to me for a single night, then I can end this wretched curse!"

"Or you could go down to the red-light district and pay for it." Homura groused in amusement, "Ten ryo make you hollar, fifty ryo make you scream."

"I hate you. All of you." Koharu snapped back, before cooing in joy as little Naruto gripped her finger tightly. "Oh! Not you Naru-chan, I could never hate you!"

Hirzuen groaned, "This isn't helping, you old fools. I have a stack as high as I am tall from women trying to adopt him..."

"Your fault for presenting him to the entire damn village." Danzo pointed out as he sulked.

"... The Fire Lord is breathing down my neck because his wife caught sight of the boy..."

"No!" Koharu screeched, "She'll smother him! She's gone through fifteen kittens in as many months, we can't risk Naru-chan!"

"... and I'm losing what's left of my sanity every day that goes by while trying to juggle running this village, keeping obsessive women from kidnapping Naruto, and fending off that ridiculous Council Minato implemented all of whom are demanding full disclosure on the events surrounding the Kyuubi attack."

Homura frowned, then shrugged, "Screw em. You're the Hokage, they can't make you disclose anything you don't want too."

"Just blame the Uchiha, it's what we always do, isn't it?" Danzo suggested, still sulking.

"It wouldn't be a lie this time anyway." Koharu pointed out, dangling a string over Naruto and practically gushing at how cute the child was.

An ANBU suddenly appeared - Male, which was another headache Hiruzen was dealing with. No woman seemed to be immune to Naruto's cuteness, which had resulted in roughly a third of his ANBU being reassigned away from the lad for fear of the child being kidnapped - "Hokage-sama, Jirayia has returned as you requested."

"Well thank goodness." Hiruzen sighed tiredly, relaxing back in his chair, "Danzo, fill in the Council on the events, no reason to lie." he glanced towards Koharu, "You, compose a list of suitable families currently petitioning to adopt Naruto." Homura got his stare next, "And you, bring me coffee."

The three advisers grumbled, heading off to do what they were told. Koharu was the last to leave, fretting as she moved away, only to rush back and kiss the boy on the forehead, then ran off giggling and sputtering as if she was a school girl with a crush again. 'Harlot.' Hiruzen scowled at the old crone as she fled his office.

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><p>Jirayia knew the situation was bad when he had heard the Kyuubi attacked. He had felt this crushing... hopelessness when he discovered Minato, his student, the man he firmly believed to be the child of prophecy had died defeating the beast. A kernel of hope had erupted inside him when he heard Kushina had survived the sealing, which was quickly doused when he heard she was for all intents and purposes a coma victim with little to no chance of actually recovering. Faced with such heartache, he had decided to avoid returning to Konoha as long as he possibly could. That all ended when he received a message with two words, two simple little words that scared the hell out of him.<p>

'Help me!

Hiruzen'

His sensei was old, the Toad-sannin knew that. Making him come out of retirement was a cruel joke he would have wished on no one, yet he was also prideful, full of righteousness and belief that he could shoulder the burdens Konoha needed him too. To see such a message from him, the feel of desperation those two little words carried, it cut him deeper then he thought he was capable of being cut. For that alone he had dropped his peeping act (After a few more hours at any rate) and rushed his way home. And that's when things started to become bizarre.

The gate guards, two older Chuunin looking rather peeved, had waved him through rather quickly all the while bitching about how their wives wouldn't shut the hell up about some little kid. While not really bizarre, it still seemed strange. As he moved through the village he noticed quite a lot of men about, yet few to no women.

'Total sausage fest.' the Proclaimed Pervert frowned. It was the middle of the damn day, there should have been people all over the place! Shopping, rebuilding, pretty much doing anything! Yet the place was surprisingly bare. After moving closer to the tower he ran into a rather curious predicament; The Women. From old to young to Civilian, Shinobi, it didn't matter, the women were practically surrounding the tower gushing about the cute little baby and how dare that nasty old man keep him from them.

'Weird shit.' Jirayia thoughtfully described the situation as he took to the crowded roofs, angling through the Kunoichi mewing about 'his cute little whiskers' and finally reaching the tower proper. There was a ring of ANBU surrounding the place, acting like Riot controllers to keep the wall of estrogen at bay. 'There's some really weird shit going on around here.'

Moving through the tower he avoided Danzo, the old Warhawk muttering "I will weaponize this cuteness one way or another, Hiruzen! Just you wait!"

Jirayia stared after the man for a moment, before shaking his head and decided he was hearing things. Continuing his journey he ended up running smack dab into Koharu, the crone glaring at him angrily. "If you corrupt him I swear there will be hell to pay!" she warned acidly before moving on, carrying rather thick stacks of paperwork with her.

"None of this makes any sense." The Pervert grumbled, unaware Homura had walked up behind him.

"Welcome to six months ago, Jirayia-dono." The Old geezer grunted, walking slowly towards the Hokage's office. "Nothing's been the same since that boy corrupted all the women."

Jirayia raised an eyebrow at that, shuffling quickly to catch up, "What the hell does that mean? What's going on?"

"Tch." Homura clicked his tongue, "I'll let Hiruzen explain the situation."

"Alright." Jirayia grunted, following the rest of the way to the Hokage's office. Stepping inside, he immediately noticed the cradle off to the side, heard the happy giggling of the baby within. He didn't even have to glance to know who it was. 'Naruto.'

"Ah, you're here." Hiruzen grunted, idly throwing a stack of papers on the ground in disgust. "Thank you for coming, I've found myself at wits end in regards to little Naruto, and I've decided it's time I take drastic measures."

"Drastic measures?" Jirayia repeated, before shaking his head and frowning, "Sensei, what the hell is going on?"

Hiruzen opened his mouth to respond, before frowning. "Better to show you." he grumped as he picked up the gurgling baby, slowly moving towards the balcony. Holding the child for a moment, the Hokage turned his gaze on Jirayia, "Cover your ears, this is going to be loud."

Homura snorted, putting ear plugs on, "If another riot breaks out, I'd just like to go on record saying this is all your fault, Hiruzen."

"Could some one just tell me what's going on?" Jirayia moaned miserably.

"Observe." Sarutobi grunted, stepping out onto the Balcony and raising the baby slightly.

"KAWAII!" The screech, the mewls, the gasps of thousands of women echoed as one. It ripped through his body, echoed off his bones, pierced his brain with such intensity it almost killed him. Jirayia recoiled as Sarutobi ducked and jumped back into the room, slamming the door shut as little toys and cute ribbons and heart shaped wreaths of flowers bombarded the area.

Recovering from his roll gracefully, Sarutobi gently put the baby back in his crib and moved back to his desk. "Any questions?" his deadpan was barely concealed.

Jirayia frowned, "Several."

"I don't care." Hiruzen snapped, "Here are the facts. Apparently Minato and Kushina gave birth to a devil child, who turns women regardless of experience into gibbering mewling wrecks at the mere sight of him. I've had sadistic killers, women who I know have butchered everything from babies to bunnies in the course of a mission fall to his influence. A third of my forces are disabled, the Villagers are likewise effected, the Fire Lord breathing down my neck trying to turn the boy into a pet for his wife, more requests to adopt him then I can count, fourteen attempted kidnappings, and seven marriage proposals."

"Uh... wow." Jirayia lamely retorted.

"I've done everything I can think of." The Third scowled, "I've mentioned the fact Kushina is alive, but one nosy nurse discovered she's in a coma, so adoption requests keep rolling in. I admitted he was a jinchuuriki, which did nothing but increase the pressure from the women who now see him as some tragic sacrifice heroically carrying his burden." he gritted his teeth, "This isn't even mentioning the Hyuuga, who threw a rather spectacular shit storm once that tidbit got out."

Homura snorted, "That Clan is all about dark burdens, and the chains of fate and what not. For a submissive clan he appears as the ultimate dom, holding the beast at bay through sheer willpower."

Jirayia really didn't know what to say to that, but he did make some notes for future books.

"Right." the Hokage sighed, "So as you can see, Konoha may have survived Kyuubi, but with my sudden lack of man power and utterly lacking motivation from the females of the village, I'm not sure we're going to be able to survive Naruto for much longer."

"Okay." The Pervert really didn't know what to say about all that. Frankly, this felt way beyond his pay-grade, and subsequently he just didn't want to have to deal with it. He had a feeling though that he wasn't going to be given a choice in the matter. "So... uh... what do you want from me?"

Hiruzen's eyes hardened as he leaned over his desk, fingers steepled as he spoke. "You will fulfill your duty as his Godfather starting immediately. You will pick up that devil child, you will escape Konoha, and give me TIME to fix this god awful mess Minato left behind."

Homura looked thunderstruck, "What? Are you mad Hiruzen?! Giving the child to Jirayia... the man will use the child's peculiar ability to do exactly what Danzo wanted to do with him!"

"I don't care!" Hiruzen snapped back, "As long as the child isn't harmed, as long as Konoha can get some breathing room, as long as I can retain my sanity then what Jirayia uses the child for doesn't bother me in the slightest!"

"Uh, yeah, okay." Jirayia interjected dumbly. "So... you want me to take custody of Naruto, take him on the road where, once the shock of all this wears off, I'm likely to use him to get laid." he paused, then shrugged, "Like, alot. Like, a really really lot. And what... that's it? Maybe train him? But what if Kushina recovers?"

"To the first point, I don't give a good god damn." Hiruzen was brutally honest, far too fed up to even care one iota, "To the second point; Yes, train him to your hearts content in whatever the hell you feel he's best suited for. To the third point; Well... we'll cross the Kushina bridge if it ever happens." Which was as close as he was willing to admit the redhead would probably murder them all if her baby boy wasn't on hand when she woke up.

"Right." Jirayia said dumbly as he neared the crib, "I... uh... guess that's it then?"

Homura snorted, "Just take the boy and run." he glanced at Hiruzen, "You know Koharu is going to be an insufferable bitch once she finds out, not to mention Danzo since you cock blocked him."

"First, fuck that harlot." Hiruzen snapped, "Second, Danzo is a sixty plus year old virgin. I'm not scared of him."

"Right, I'll, uh, just be going now." Jirayia picked up the child, wrapping him up to keep him hidden before dazedly heading out the door and vowing to forget the sight of his Sensei so unhinged.

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><p>AN: Something amusing that popped into my head while I was thinking about Indra and Ashura being transmigrants. This is AU obviously, the past radically different but ultimately played out similar enough to get things where they were (generally) in canon.<p>

Kaizen(OC): First Born son of Hagoromo who believes peace can only be achieved by uniting the entire world in debauchery. Yeah, that kind of guy.

Naruto's 'Cuteness': Babies are cuter then hell, and very little else can get a girl to squeal at the sight of em. This observed fact was just enhanced to the 23rd power via Kaizen's meddling.


End file.
